The Battle...

     I grew up in the 'woods' of  South Louisiana.  Physical activity was part of our everyday lives as children being raised in the 80's.  We didn't have video games like the kids nowadays do, and we didn't have computers to absorb our attention and brain waves.  We actually went outside when the sun came up and played all day in the 'woods' and yard, and then as the sun went down, we were summoned indoors to eat our supper.  We were required to take P.E (Phys Ed) in elementary school and it was more indoors mostly because of the hot and humid climate that could potentially cause heat stroke.  But also because of the random thunder and lightening storms that hit the area on a frequent basis.  But we had field days and lots of activities that kept us moving and active.  I was never a chunky kid when I was growing up.  At the same time, I was never really taught the importance of eating healthy and staying active as I grew older.  I was more worried about not being rejected by my peers.  

     During high school, I wasn't really a popular girl, I was an outcast for sure.  I began to become worried about my weight, as most teenage girls do.  Watching shows on television like 90210, and Saved By The Bell, gave me a false sense of what I should have looked like, verses the reality of my particular height and frame.  I thought that if I didn't eat, I would become skinny and look like those girls on television and might become more desirable to my peers and then maybe I would become more popular with them at school.  At the time I was 5'10 and only weighed 115 pounds... Not healthy.  I was boney and depressed... lost in the world of a teenage girl.  I found my puppy love during high school and it brought a new light to my eyes.  I realized that being a stick walking around wasn't what was important and I started to become a bit more healthy.  That light faded towards the end of my high school career and I began to feel the depression set in once again.  Instead of losing the weight, I became stagnant and gained it... not much, but enough to 'feel fat'... or so I thought that was what 'fat' felt like.

After graduating high school, I still felt lost in my world.  Wasn't sure where I was going and how I would afford college, or if I even wanted to go for that matter.  My cousin had joined the military a few years prior and suggested that I go that direction.  I thought of it as a way to make a decision on my own and to grow up.  So 3 days prior to my 19th birthday, I was in boot camp (Basic Training as it's properly titled), but only after I was required to lose a few pounds to be accepted.  It was time for me to become an adult and learn about me.  It was an eye opening experience, one that I will never regret and one that I look back on and realize that it was the right thing for me.... at the time. 

     12 weeks into my training of the 13 weeks required, I was running in my steel toed boots in formation with the rest of my division, when I felt this sharp pain in my left foot.  It was excruciating and felt like I had just stepped on a nail and being electrocuted, all at once. I had fractured my foot, my third metatarsal. We had been training for our final challenge called "Battle Stations".  It was a series of obstacles that you had to run to and from over the course of 24 hours, sleep deprived and hungry.  Challenges like the gas chamber, jumping from an elevated plank into a deep pool and confidence courses were part of it.  It was a few days away and our final challenge in order to 'graduate' boot camp.  I had come so far, and had accomplished so much... breaking my foot was a huge set back.... or was it?  I was sent to the medic and was told that I had fractured it.  That I would have to make a decision.  I could either quit and go home, go back to the beginning of boot camp only after allowing my foot to heal, or continue on and graduate in the next week.  I couldn't give up.  I wouldn't give up.  I decided to run 'Battle Stations' (a 7 mile run in all) and completed boot camp.  I knew that it would be mind over matter at that point and would take every bit of will power that I possessed... knowing it or not.  A week later, I hobbled through the graduation ranks and finished what I had set out to do.  I graduated, broken foot and all.   

6 months later, I was in my Technical School to become a missile tech, when I met my soon to be significant other.  The things you think you know when you are young... haha.  I ended up marrying him.  Once that day happened, the emotional abuse began.  I felt myself becoming very subservient to his needs and his ideals of what I should be.  He was manipulative and mean, belittling and harsh.  I began to slip into that depression that I had worked so hard to overcome.  I felt like my life was a waste.  I felt that if my own husband didn't want me, nobody would.  I sought the shelter and comfort of something that wouldn't and didn't reject me.  Food... I quickly gained upwards of 100 pounds.  When I finally realized that the abuse I was enduring from him was not something that I deserved, I was almost 300 pounds (297 to be exact) at now a 6' tall frame.  I knew that I had to do something.  I knew that I had great will power and that I could accomplish anything that I put my mind to... I had completed boot camp with a broken foot... so I could do this.  I knew that I had given our relationship everything that I could give and that it was time to move on.  I knew that I had to break it off or the abuse and games would never cease. 
     2003, brought on the decision of cutting all ties and finally realizing that I was worth more than what I had always believed.  It was time to say good bye to him and to the low self esteem and hatred I had for myself.  It was time to reinvent myself.  I started my journey at the end of 2003, and have learned more and more about myself as I go.  I've learned about my will power, my boundaries, my goal setting, my metabolism, and so many other things.  My intention is to help those that might have the same battle I did.  This blog is serving as the purpose to provide support and resources to help those that seek it.  The first step is to get out of your own way... put away those mental hurdles and believe in yourself.  It's not as hard as you think it is.  Just decide and stick with it... make your goals... I'm giving you the weapons to win your battle.. it's up to you to use them.